Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen

(Source: The Onion)

“Yeah, that’s probably the only way we’d reassess much of anything at this point: 1,000 dead kids, shot up pretty good, lying face down in the school auditorium or something like that,” [CEO Wayne] LaPierre said, noting that anything less than 1,000 dead kids would not be enough for the NRA to stop urging Congress to pass pro-gun legislation. “I mean, that’s just a ballpark number, but I imagine seeing 1,000 or so body bags being wheeled out of a school and a whole town of crying parents would probably make us reflect on our values for at least a little bit.”

Amazing.

Read it and weep, Channing Tatum.

At least The Onion has a reliable story on this.

(Source: The Onion)

“She is a very beautiful woman, and very discreet, so trust me, you won’t be disappointed. This is a solid offer I’m making you.”

(Source: The Onion)

WASHINGTON—With just days left before the election, the nation’s 150 million registered voters have started to remember the simple, reassuring comforts of entrusting control of their country to an extremely out-of-touch white man, sources confirmed Monday.

In the wake of the presidential debates, multiple polls have shown that citizens nationwide are beginning to recall, with great clarity, the soothing, familiar sense of security that comes with handing total domestic and foreign policy authority over to a sixtysomething white male who is completely cut off from any way of life other than his own. And with the country having gone four years without such a familiar, calming, clueless Caucasian presence in the Oval Office, experts reported the populace is now overcome with nostalgia.

“As Election Day approaches, more and more Americans are reminiscing about how much they enjoy it when an old white man who in no way understands them is placed in charge of the world’s largest economy,” University of Virginia political scientist Charles Overberg said. “Indeed, when voters consider whom they’d like to oversee vital social programs and embody the image of the United States projected abroad, the vast majority feel a sense of comfort and safety upon contemplating the familiar, reassuring light-skinned face of a man who is utterly incapable of connecting with them or anyone else of their socioeconomic status in any meaningful way.”

“Fifteen times through the chorus was a bit much, but he seemed to get a kick out of it, so no harm done.”

(Source: The Onion)

(Source: The Onion)

(Source: The Onion)

PUEBLO, CO—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, Republican nominee Mitt Romney is just now telling people he grew up desperately poor in Memphis, sources confirmed Sunday.

Addressing a rally in Colorado, Romney spoke a great deal about his humble birth on a farm on the outskirts of Memphis; about wheat farming; and about his parents, Rufus and Maybelle Romney, and their struggle to provide for six hungry children as they toiled away at low-paying, menial jobs.

“As you all know, I didn’t grow up with much in the way of wealth,” Romney said of his upbringing in an impoverished neighborhood in North Memphis. “Back then, we didn’t live in much more than a shack on the wrong side of the train tracks, and Mama and Daddy had three jobs apiece to keep us all fed. It fell on me of course to take care of the young ones, of which a few, God bless, are no longer with us.”

“Ann and I, we know what it’s like to grow up with nothing, to wonder where your next meal is coming from, to have to choose between putting food on the table or coal in the fireplace,” continued Romney, speaking of what he called his wife’s “rough childhood” in Mobile, AL, where she was raised by a single mother. “Brother, we know that pang of hunger and hopelessness all too well.”

(Source: The Onion)