Dear Prudence is an advice column that has existed on Slate for over a decade. It is written by the moderately prolific writer Emily Yoffe. I hate to admit that I read an advice column at all, but hell, Slate is on my RSS feed and the headline caught my eye and maybe, just maybe I’m a little bit in love with the idea of people taking advice on an absurd amount of issues from completely unqualified advice columnists.
Yoffe almost goes in the right direction with her response by stating that the woman is a predator, but then goes on to advise the worried girlfriend to simply greet that same predator with a friendly exchange. Reading the above question and Yoffe’s response, I could only wonder: what if the gender roles in this scenario were reversed and everything else from the Q&A were the same? Read it again, this way:
Q. Yikes, My Girlfriend and Her Lost Virginity: My girlfriend of two years recently told me that she lost her virginity at the age of 12 to a family friend that was 30 at the time. She swears that she is the one that seduced him and that it is a very happy memory for her; I have no reason to doubt her and she is “older” than her years and has always dated older men. But I’m very grossed out by the man in question. I’m picturing myself allowing a 12-year-old to seduce me (I’m 30) and the thought is disgusting to me. I really don’t think he is a predator and my girlfriend really does seem to have quite an effect on older men - they all just want to take their pants off for her. My question is mainly that I don’t know how I’m going to face this man - we see him about three times a year at family events and one is coming up next month. I am not great at keeping my facial features neutral so I’m worried he’s going to figure out that I know. I don’t want to “out” him. I’m definitely not going to touch a drop of booze that day because I don’t want to get tipsy and say something I’ll regret. I really just don’t know what to say to this man or how to act in front of him! Help.
A: I agree with your disgust, but I disagree that he’s not a predator. There are no circumstances under which a 30-year-old should be having sex with a 12-year-old, and I don’t care what the genders are of those involved. However, instead of seeing this as a violation, for your girlfriend it’s a lovely memory, so let it be. If you have trouble with your facial features, start practicing in the mirror. There surely are times at work when you’re saying, “That’s a great idea, boss, I’ll get right on it,” and you’re thinking, “Another idiotic request!” but you don’t want your face to give you away. You know how to be cordial to an old family friend, so make some brief polite conversation to Humbert Humbert, then walk away.
Would it seem more disturbing if these roles were reversed? Is it equally disturbing either way? Do the indifferent attitudes in this article reveal a commonly accepted portrayal of our society’s views on gender roles and rape? Can a 12 year old child ever even seduce a sane, normal 30 year old adult?
Chime in, folks. I certainly have my opinions, but I am curious to hear yours.
Why bother being polite? Call that bitch out! Hey, nice to see you again, you child rapists. How’s the raping crop this year? Diddle any interesting little boys lately?
She should be polite because her boyfriend asked her to. That’s it. If he told her it was his choice, she needs to respect that. Even if he had told his girlfriend that the family member raped him, it is never okay to forcibly out a rape victim. That is their decision, not yours. It’s beyond disrespectful to suggest otherwise.
Furthermore, I’m bothered by the age talk. At twelve years old, I wanted control of my sexuality. I was already harboring malcontent for people who told me that I couldn’t explore my sexuality with a consenting adult. And partially, the fact that authority figures ignored my potential to make my own sexual decisions made me feel weak and unprotected- I felt I already was a sexual being, and that people who said otherwise were simply refusing to protect my human rights.
Not to mention, how you personally feel about child/adult sexual relationships is irrelevant. That’s solely the business of the child and adult. If they’re both happy, they both understand what they are doing, and they aren’t harming anyone, then they have the right to do it.
Remember, despite what people like to think, there are numerous children who begin consensual body/sexual exploration very early in life, with peers. It’s normal. Time to stop ignoring that, especially because we are seeing a rise in the number of children forcing other children into sex acts. Focus on teaching children about respect and consent, not age.
We know that children who are molested will benefit from laws governing that sexual contact without consent is illegal- so give them that. And through personal experience I have learned that laws preventing 12 year olds from having full sexual autonomy can make them feel weak and discriminated against, while stopping them from having safe experiences that they want to have. So give them autonomy.
Taking away the rights of people is not an appropriate form of “protection”.
I understand your argument that the victim, now an adult, should be the one who must be comfortable with bringing the information to light, I am with you there - but arguing that a twelve year old is cognitively and emotionally capable of consenting to sex with an adult is absurd. Will 12 and 13 year old kids continue to have sex with each other? Absolutely. Which is why around that age they begin to receive proper (one hopes) sex education. And of course a horny 12 year old boy who is probably used to humping his jacket sleeve will want to have sex with a thirty year old woman. It’s the responsibility of the 30 year old to reject any “seduction” by the child though - and if they can’t, frankly, I would call them a predator.
Dear Prudence is an advice column that has existed on Slate for over a decade. It is written by the moderately prolific writer Emily Yoffe. I hate to admit that I read an advice column at all, but hell, Slate is on my RSS feed and the headline caught my eye and maybe, just maybe I’m a little bit in love with the idea of people taking advice on an absurd amount of issues from completely unqualified advice columnists.
Yoffe almost goes in the right direction with her response by stating that the woman is a predator, but then goes on to advise the worried girlfriend to simply greet that same predator with a friendly exchange. Reading the above question and Yoffe’s response, I could only wonder: what if the gender roles in this scenario were reversed and everything else from the Q&A were the same? Read it again, this way:
Q. Yikes, My Girlfriend and Her Lost Virginity: My girlfriend of two years recently told me that she lost her virginity at the age of 12 to a family friend that was 30 at the time. She swears that she is the one that seduced him and that it is a very happy memory for her; I have no reason to doubt her and she is “older” than her years and has always dated older men. But I’m very grossed out by the man in question. I’m picturing myself allowing a 12-year-old to seduce me (I’m 30) and the thought is disgusting to me. I really don’t think he is a predator and my girlfriend really does seem to have quite an effect on older men - they all just want to take their pants off for her. My question is mainly that I don’t know how I’m going to face this man - we see him about three times a year at family events and one is coming up next month. I am not great at keeping my facial features neutral so I’m worried he’s going to figure out that I know. I don’t want to “out” him. I’m definitely not going to touch a drop of booze that day because I don’t want to get tipsy and say something I’ll regret. I really just don’t know what to say to this man or how to act in front of him! Help.
A: I agree with your disgust, but I disagree that he’s not a predator. There are no circumstances under which a 30-year-old should be having sex with a 12-year-old, and I don’t care what the genders are of those involved. However, instead of seeing this as a violation, for your girlfriend it’s a lovely memory, so let it be. If you have trouble with your facial features, start practicing in the mirror. There surely are times at work when you’re saying, “That’s a great idea, boss, I’ll get right on it,” and you’re thinking, “Another idiotic request!” but you don’t want your face to give you away. You know how to be cordial to an old family friend, so make some brief polite conversation to Humbert Humbert, then walk away.
Would it seem more disturbing if these roles were reversed? Is it equally disturbing either way? Do the indifferent attitudes in this article reveal a commonly accepted portrayal of our society’s views on gender roles and rape? Can a 12 year old child ever even seduce a sane, normal 30 year old adult?
Chime in, folks. I certainly have my opinions, but I am curious to hear yours.
