When I went to save it, the file name was “imjustkiddingobamathisisonlyalittlejokedontputmeonanywatchlistswhosthatknockingonmydoorwaitnonononohelloamericanothingtoseeherekeepconsumingkeepenjoyingthekardashians.”

LOL.

prettayprettaygood:

1. Alexander Hamilton’s son dies in a duel that takes place in Weehawken, New Jersey in 1802.
2. Alexander Hamilton responds by helping to pass a law that makes dueling illegal in New York.
3. Alexander Hamilton dies in a duel that takes place in Weekhawken, New Jersey in 1804.

Genius.

omgryanisawesomesauce:

Hahaha! #BillMaher #Science #HurricaneSandy #Hurricane #Funny #bible

fortune-n-glory:

This more or less summarizes my life as a barfly.

faithx5:

What. I don’t even… (Taken with Instagram)

Well then. I’m not going that way.

(Source: BuzzFeed)

dannidavinchi:

This was so fucking awesome. WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

Samuel L. Jackson’s video in support of Obama.

This article is hysterical. 

The comments are even better. I am laughing SO HARD right now. I particularly like the person who wants all cheetahs everywhere to “be extinct.”

• IM ALL FOR IT!!!
• i think it’s a great idea i hope it goes into effect soon.
• ok how would you feel letting your kid walk to school and get eaten by a cheetah, or instead of having a car deer accident, have a car elephant accident.
• Think of dangers, cost, and risk to the animals involved…the cons outway the Pros atleast 3 to 1 here.
•  imagine how amazing it would be for yours and all children to visit a place like Yellowstone where the animals that once lived here are back again, to restore what man and time have taken.
• the cheetah is not adapted to run through trees! It would probably not make it. Sorry.
• I support the ideal of having Cheetas on the Great Plains, because their considred an endangred species. Any thing helpful to prevent this magnificant animal from becomming extinct would be a blessing. My exception, introduce the Lions and Elephants here in the great state of Alaska instead of the cenral plains.
• THE EAT PRONGHORNS
• I’m sorry to disagree, but no, this is NOT cool. I have no desire to become prey. People who live protected city lives divorced from nature (myself included) tend to forget that nature is brutal, violent, and utterly amoral 
• I totally agree with you 100% my daughter got mauled while at tycross zoo and that cheetah got put down i was so devastated. i also feel fot that women who got mauled i think there horrid animals and should be extinct. oxoxo
• The human population has just past 6.5 billion. I believe it’s time to thin the human herd. We have no right to take over the planet as we have.
• 
  

(Source: sciencebuzz.org)

rowthree:

With President-elect Barack Obama selecting his cabinet in the past few days, it really has had me thinking. When I, Jonathan B. of Row Three, become President of the United States of America (or perhaps the United Worlds of America, if I have my way) under the slogan of “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage,” I am going to need a reliable and hardworking cabinet. Since I don’t trust anybody in this world and do not know if anyone on this planet would be an appropriate choice to help me run the worlds, I will propose while serving as a Senator for 40% of the annual budget to go towards creating a machine that brings movie characters out of their films (or just finding that magic ticket from Last Action Hero), in order to help serve this great country alongside moi.

Read on to see who will help me shape this world in my image, create more oil, and single-handedly stop global warming, terrorism, and these terrible excuses for spoof movies that keep coming out.

Vice President: Chauncey Gardiner

This could be the most important position, because as President, if I die – whether a natural death, an accident, or an assassination attempt by exploding cigar – I am going to need someone there who can help my children out when they inherit the throne of Presidency, especially if they are still toddlers. Chauncey Gardiner, or known by his friends as Chance of the Hal Ashby film Being There, has that simple brand of wisdom that would complement my Presidency very well. Right now, our problem is our economy. Well, I’ll the let man speak for himself. In Chance’s own words: “As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden. … Yes. In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again. … Yes! There will be growth in the spring!” What a brilliant mind.

Secretary of the State: Lee Holloway

Obviously, since this is the secretary to the President, that means it has to be a woman. I think that is in the Constitution. Equal rights and stuff. I’m not sure exactly what they do, but I think it will mostly be answering my phone calls, sorting my mail, bringing me coffee, and letting me spank her across my desk in the Oval Office when I am feeling frisky. So, it is no surprise that I choose Lee Holloway. What, you’ve never watched Secretary? Then you couldn’t possible ever understand.

Secretary of Defense: Indiana Jones

Why the defense position? Well, if you saw the new Indiana Jones that never actually happened, you know that Indy served in World War II and was on dozens of missions against Nazis. Also as a young lad, he served in World War I. On top of that, he speaks many languages, he knows the entire history of the world, and he would be an awesome wingman to go hit up the bars in Washington – Georgetown girls, baby! I’m pretty sure if you are putting together any kind of cabinet and you don’t try to include Indiana Jones, you are irresponsible and not doing your duty to your country.

Secretary of the Treasury: Jack Sparrow

I don’t really know much about this position, but using my reasoning skills and context clues, it can only mean that this is the person who searches the world for treasure so our government can have money and the economy can flourish. I thought long and hard and realized that most pirates, like Captain Hook, aren’t very good or trustworthy people. What would keep them from taking the treasure for themselves? I decided that if I paid Jack Sparrow handsomely and promised him stock in Captain Morgan, he would be at my command and we would find so much treasure that we would be out of our national debt in no time.

Attorney General: Frank Galvin

Ah… ha ha! I got you. I bet you thought I would nominate Atticus Finch, didn’t you? Well, it is true I would certainly want a trustworthy legal adviser, a man with strong moral fiber, and Atticus Finch would be that man. But you know, he’s too much of an idealist. I’m a realist. I need someone like Frank Galvin of The Verdict who is going to pound down their whiskey, go into the court room, and tell these motherf*****s how it is. He is a real guy will real problems and I think people will relate to him. And even though he will be fictional and not the real one, it will be nice to have Paul Newman back again and I will probably force Galvin to make salad dressing too. I also considered Erin Brockovich for this position, but that lady isn’t even really a lawyer. If I remember the movie correctly, she just had big boobs and flaunted them a lot. I like that sometimes, but not in a courtroom that isn’t a cheap set.

Chief of Staff: Jefferson Washington

Okay, look. His first name is Jefferson, like Thomas Jefferson. His last name is Washington, like George Washington and the city where politics always happen. He reeks the rancid scent of America and he is the idealist to balance out the realism of myself and Attorney General Galvin – you always want the perspectives of both sides and this fellow from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington will do the trick. A little inexperienced? Sure. Maybe a bit naive? Undoubtedly – but maybe the United Worlds of America will need a little inexperience and someone naive enough to filibuster the hell out of those corrupt Senators for days on end.

Secretary of Education: Jaime A. Escalante

No Child Left Behind? Damn straight, with Mr. Escalante of Stand and Deliver on board. White, black, Hispanic, Asian, rich, poor, middle class, pretty, ugly, young, old, fungal infected – he does not care. He just wants to reach these kids and will do so by making wisecracks like, “If I teach you sex, I have to give you sex for homework” and “Tough guys don’t do math. Tough guys fry chicken for a living.” Oh, Mr. Escalante, you sure do know how to reach these kids, and you got yourself an appointment out of it. Call up Louanne Johnson, while you’re at it. And that crackhead from Half Nelson. You three are partners.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Sanjuro

As I understand it, this is more or less just a glorified Rent-a-Cop. And who better to do security for our country than the samurai from Yojimbo, especially a samurai wielding a sharp sword who has no problem taking out someone holding a gun (I’ve seen it with my own eyes)? Sanjuro is also notorious for pitting one side against another, so this will come in handy with terrorists trying to infiltrate the United States as he cunningly convinces Al-Qaeda and Lashkar-e-Taiba to take each other out. Sanjuro is the man with the plan and the position will be his.

United States Postmaster General: The Postman

Duh. Not only will he deliver the mail, he will deliver HOPE and INSPIRATION: “Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” If only more postmen spoke with such poetics, this world would be a much finer place for our children.

First Lady: Jessica Rabbit

Of course, I cannot forget the First Lady of the United Worlds of America. I need to produce the heirs to my Presidency. I want somebody beautiful, because I am superficial. Then, I want somebody strong, but not physically, because physically strong women intimidate me. I mean someone that will be strong if the media catches on to what I did with my secretary Lee in the Oval Office, someone that will be strong when I stumble to bed after a long night of binge drinking brought on by these Americans who dropped my approval rating from 99% to 96%, because they just don’t understand my decision in attacking the colonies in the nearby galaxy. I try to explain to the American people about these WGDs that intelligence tells me they have – these Weapons of Galactic Destruction, if you will – but nobody wants to listen. Nobody ever listens until it is too late. Jessica Rabbit is also a cartoon that every male has secretly fantasized about and that would make everyone else jealous.

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